உறவுகள்எடிட்டர் சாய்ஸ்புதியவை

ஜாதியால் இறந்த கடைசி காதல் என்னுடையதாக இருக்கட்டும்… My Story #171

பல வருட காத்திருப்புக்கு பின் எனக்கான காதலை எனது 21வது வயதில் முதன்முறையாக கண்டேன். அவன் எனது வகுப்பு தோழன். நான் எப்போதுமே தற்செயலாகவும், தனிச்சையகவும் நடக்கும் விஷயங்களை நம்பும் குணாதிசயங்கள் கொண்ட ஃபேண்டசி பெண். அவனை முதன் முறையாக கண்ட அந்த நாள்… இன்று வரையிலும் என் நினைவை விட்டு அகலாத, மறையாத நாளாக உறைந்துப் போயுள்ளது என் மனதில். ஏறத்தாழ இன்றில் இருந்து கணக்குப்போட்டால்… சரியாக அறிந்து ஆண்டுகளுக்கு முன் நிகழ்ந்தது என்னுள் அந்த முதல் காதல். 

நண்பர்கள்!

ஆரம்பத்தில் நாங்கள் நண்பர்களாக தான் பழகினோம். எனக்கு அதன் முன் பெரியதாக ஆண் தோழர்களே இல்லை. பள்ளி, கல்லூரி காலங்களில் எல்லாம் பெண் தோழிகள் மட்டுமே. அவன் தான் எனது முதல் ஆண் தோழன். எங்களுக்கு ஒளிவுமறைவு இன்றி அனைத்தையும் பகிர்ந்துக் கொண்டோம். நட்பு மட்டுமல்ல.. எங்களுக்குள்ளான உறவு நட்பெனும் எல்லைக்குள் அகப்படவில்லை. அவன் எனது நண்பனாக மட்டும் இருக்கவில்லை, எங்கள் உறவு வெறும் நட்பாக மட்டும் நடைப்போடவில்லை. அவனுடன் நான் பகிர்ந்துக் கொண்ட எல்லா நொடிகளிலும் நான் அறிவேன், அவன் எனது நண்பன் மட்டுமல்ல என்பதை. நட்பையும் கடந்த ஒரு உறவு எங்களை இணைத்து வைத்திருந்தது. அவனாக சொல்லட்டும்.. எதுவாக இருந்தாலும் அவனாகவே சொல்லட்டும் என்று நீண்ட நாள் காத்திருந்தேன்.


எனக்கான வாழ்க்கை துணையை நான் கண்டுவிட்டேன் என்றே நான் மிகவும் நம்பி வந்தேன். எங்களது கல்லூரி காலம் முடிவடைந்தது. அவன் வேலைக்காக வேறு நகரத்திற்கு சென்றான். நான் எனது என்ட்ரன்ஸ் தேர்வு முடித்து, அதே ஊரில் எனது மேற்படிப்பை பயில சென்றேன். அவன் எங்கே இருக்கிறான் என்பதற்காகவே நான் மேற்படிப்பு பயில அந்த ஊரை தேர்வு செய்தேன். வலிமையானது! புதிய ஊரில் எங்கள் உறவு மேலும் வலிமை பெற்றது. அவனாக வந்து என்னிடம் தனது காதலை கூறுவான் என்று வெகுநாள் காத்திருந்தேன். ஆனால், அவன் தன் காதலை வெளிப்படுத்த தயங்குகிறான் என்று அறிந்தேன். அதனால், நானாக சென்று நான் உன்னை காதலிக்கிறேன் என்று கூறினேன்.

மறுப்பு! ஆனால், அவன் என்னை காதலிக்கவில்லை என்றும், அப்படியான பார்வையிலும் என்னை கண்டதில்லை என்று கூறி என்னையும், என் காதலையும் ஏற்க மறுப்பு தெரிவித்தான். அவனது இந்த பதில் என்னுள் பெரிய காயத்தை உண்டாக்கியது. அவன் பொய் கூறுகிறான் என்பதை நான் அறிவேன். இரண்டு நாட்கள்.. அவன் அப்படி பேசிய நாளில் இருந்து அவனுடனான அனைத்து தொடர்புகளையும் பிளாக் செய்தேன். இரண்டு நாட்களுக்கு மேல் இது நீடிக்கவில்லை. என்னுடன் பேசாமல் இருக்க முடியவில்லை என்று கூறினான். என்னாலும் தான் என்றேன்..! மீண்டும் அவனுடன் பேச துவங்கினோம். எதிர்பார்க்கவில்லை… அப்போது என்னுள் பெரிதாக எந்தவொரு எண்ணமும் இல்லை. ஆனால், என்னை அவன் இப்படி நிலைக்கு ஆளாக்குவான் என்றோ, எனது வாழ்வில் பெரிய தாக்கத்தை ஏற்படுத்தி நகர்வான் என்றோ அந்நாளில் நான் நினைத்துப் பாரகவே இல்லை. ஆனால், அன்று அந்த காலக்கட்டத்தில் நாங்கள் இருவரும் ஒருவருக்கு ஒருவர் மிகவும் நெருக்கமாக துவங்கினோம்.




முத்தம்! இரண்டு முறை நாங்கள் முத்தமிட்டுக் கொண்டதும் உண்டு. இதெல்லாம் காதல் தானே என்ற எண்ணமே என்னுள். என்மேலும் அவனுக்கு காதல் இருக்கிறது. ஆனால், எங்கள் இருவரின் வேறுபட்ட ஜாதி தான் அவன் என்னை ஏற்க தடையாக இருக்கிறது என்பதை உணர்ந்தேன். ஆம்! நான் தலித், அவன் உயர்ஜாதி ஆண். இந்த ஜாதி கோடுகள் தான் எங்கள் இருவரையும் இணையவிடாமல் தடுத்து நிறுத்தியது. பொய்! மேலும், அவர்கள் வீட்டிலும் இப்படியான கலப்பு திருமணத்திற்கு ஒப்புக்கொள்ள மாட்டார்கள். இதை அறிந்தும், என்னை மேலும் நோகடிக்க கூடாது என்ற காரணத்தாலும், அவன் என்னிடம் பொய் கூறினான். அவனுக்கும், தூரத்து சொந்தக்கார பெண்ணான ஒருவருக்கும் திருமணம் நடக்கவிருப்பதாக கூறினான். கசப்பான நிகழ்வு! நான் மிகவும் நேசித்த அவனை, வாய்க்கு வந்தபடி திட்டினேன். அவன் கூறியதை என்னால் ஏற்க முடியாத நிலையில் இருந்தேன்.




எனக்கும் அவனுக்கும் தொடர்பு பாலமாக இருந்த அனைத்து வழிகளையும் அடைத்தேன். அவனை என் வாழ்வில் இருந்து முற்றிலுமாக பிளாக் செய்தேன். ஆனால், அவனை நினைத்து எண்ணி எங்கும் எனது மனதை எப்படி ப்ளாக் செய்வதென்று அறியாது தவித்து வருகிறேன். புதிய நகரம்! அவனிடம் சண்டைப்போட்ட பிறகு அதே நகரில் இருக்க முடியவில்லை. வேறு வேலை, வேறு நகரத்திற்கு இடம்பெயர்ந்தேன். சில மாதங்கள் கழிந்து, ஒருமுறை ஃபேஸ்புக்கில் பார்த்த போதுதான், அவன் கூறிய பெண்ணுக்கு ஏற்கனவே திருமணமாகிவிட்டதும். அவன் என்னை வேறு வழியின்றி தவிர்க்கவே தனக்கு திருமணமாகவிருப்பதாக பொய் கூறினான் என்பதையும் அறிந்துக் கொண்டேன். எங்கே யாரிடம் சொல்ல.. எங்களுக்குள் இருந்த காதலையும், அவனது வேதனை, எனது வேதனை போன்றவற்றை யாரிடம் சொல்வதென்று தெரியவில்லை. ஒன்று அவனை திட்டுவார்கள். அதை என்னால் ஏற்றுக் கொள்ள முடியவில்லை. இல்லை, எனக்காக வருத்தப்படுவார்கள். அது எனக்கு பிடிக்கவில்லை.


ஆகவே எனது உணர்வுகளை என்னுள்ளேயே புதைத்து வைத்துக் கொண்டேன். சலுகைகள் வேண்டாம்! எனது காதலில் ஜாதியின் காரணமாகவே நான் தோல்வியுற்று முட்டாளாகிப் போனேன். ஜாதியை குற்றம் சொல்லி என்ன பயன். அதை அடையாள சொல்லாக வைத்துக் கொண்டிருப்பதால் தானே பிரச்சனை. நான் நன்கு படித்துள்ளேன், நன்கு சம்பாதிக்கிறேன். எனக்கு என் ஜாதி மூலமாக எளிதாக அரசு வேலை கிடைக்கும் வாய்ப்புகள் உள்ளது. ஆனால், எனக்கு அது தேவையில்லை. ஆகவே, அரசு தேர்வுகளை எழுதுவதை நிறுத்தினேன். இதனால், எனது பெற்றோரும் என்னை ஒரு முட்டாளாக பார்த்தனர்.

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